my soulmates

you can hear it here. my favorite song is definitely "Sit & Wonder" ... "Noise Epic" is a close second... what about you?:

OK, I would really like to be able to deal with my anxiety/n* attacks better. Most of the time I can distract myself by reading or watching my favorite comedy, however it gets to the point where I'm dry r*ing and can't move for feeling so awful. In these stuations I reach for the vodka or the valium and I finally feel better, my anxiety just dissipates.

I know about rebound anxiety etc but don't really suffer in that way.

Sometimes I don't need a crutch and can cope when I get n*.

Even when I had a s*v* two years ago I drank fizzy lager to help...crazy as that sounds, but any additional anxious n* borne of the fact I was ill was calmed by the alcohol. All the other 12 people in my building v* with the same s*v* but I didn't, partially because my g*g reflex was strong but also because I managed to calm myself with a fizzy alcoholic drink.

It started at a wedding when I was 13, I'd always sword I'd never drink alcohol lest it should make me s* but even at that tender age I had a lot of n* through anxiety, as a bridemaid I was very nervous and quite n*. When the champagne toast came I had a tiny sip and thought that it didn't seem so bad so I finished that glass. I noticed that the more sips I had the less anxious I became.

I never get drunk, God forbid, but the only thing that helps me live my normal life, leave the house sometimes even is a smidge of alcohol or maybe a valium.

I don't want to be dependent on drugs or alcohol but I've had so many different kinds on ineffective talking therapies, more drug combinations than I can remember. Adding to my vices is not going to help in the long-term but what else can I do apart from be confined to my house.

Anyone else ever had this experience.

USE FRONT DOOR ENTRANCE ONLY!!

This is probably a silly question, but who/where do you turn to when you fancy a new hairstyle? I've been scouring sites via random Google search, but nothing seems just right.

Two months ago I shaved my head and it's growing back rather quickly, so I'll need a trim... I just have no idea what I want to do with it. (I do know I don't want to grow my hair out below the shoulders.)

Here's a recent visual.



I can get it to spike here and there, which is great, but I'd like to do something more... creative.

Two brothers have settled U.S. FTC charges that they operated bogus work-at-home Web sites.

read more | digg story

you can hear it here. my favorite song is definitely "Sit & Wonder" ... "Noise Epic" is a close second... what about you?:

you can hear it here. my favorite song is definitely "Sit & Wonder" ... "Noise Epic" is a close second... what about you?:

I put things off and off...so things get harder and harder...and I get worse and worse...

Why do I do this to myself?
Why cant' I just face things at the beginning when they aren't that bad?
Why do I wait until things blow up in my face before I handle them?
Why do I make things so much harder then they have to be?

It makes me sick to my stomach to think about anything that I have to do.

I haven't posted to this group in a while, but here are some shots for you guys. I've been playing a lot with textures, let me know what you think. Do you like them, are they too distracting, do they enhance, etc.? I really prefer these guys a bit larger, but don't want to bog down your internets, if you click on them they'll take you to flickr where you can blow em up.
edit: I previously had my website listed here, but removed it.
double edit: Wow, I had no idea that this post was skimming the lines of the community. I was going to pull it, but by the request of the mod I'll leave it in. I do apologize for any community upset it causes and will be sure to keep any future posts as SOOC as my itchy photoshop fingers can let it be.



( 4 More Behind Door Number 2 )

Brooklyn Army Terminal...

Brooklyn Army Terminal...

explored an abandoned zoo in NH.




( a day at the zoo, warning, lots of pictures! )

We take different pilgrimages now. In the 1960s, it was to honor God. Now, it is to find him.



The lost supper.
Flickr set.

cross-posted from grammarfight.

(edit: link corrected)

Your result for The Director Who Films Your Life Test...

Quentin Tarantino

Take The Director Who Films Your Life Test at HelloQuizzy

this is probably because i answered 'yes' to being chased by the police and being around gun violence. goddamn it! i am not violent!

EDIT: chris got Sofia Coppola. he wouldn't take the quiz so i answered the questions as him. no fair!

Abandoned dormitory in Moscow.
On Kodak Portra 160VC film.

( ++++21++++ )

I've gotten this far in uni... i am in my last year and i have 21 weeks left... But i'm burnt out and i'm no longer finding joy in the things i have to do for uni... I want to quit so bad.. but i think about how much my mother has sacrificed - selling the house to pay for my fees and working full time - double shifts mostly just so i can go to uni... What should i do? I thought maybe i'll take a year off from uni and then get back next year but pride is stopping me cos it would be so embarrassing to go to prac and find that your former classmates are practicing at the place... i am a very proud person in that sense. Right now i just want run away from everything... sigh...
So tell me, have you been through uni? How did you manage to come out of the other end? I need motivation... can anybody help?

My hair is growing out at the moment and its kind of getting past the crazy flicky layers everywhere as the shorter layers grow out. But its getting a bit too long for my liking.

I'm thinking about an a-line but I'm not sure if it would work with my hair, face or fringe. I'm trying to cut down on straightening and naturally my hair is kind of wavy but not. More kinky than anything. Its not very noticeable unless it decides to flick out crazily. Its also pretty thick although I don't know if its just the cut at the moment but it doesn't seem as thick anymore.

Has anyone had an a-line or similar cut with wavy hair?

ughh, im so scared to go back to school. everytime i think about all those kids..
my stomach feels funny & i feel like puking. & i can't really breath. & honesty im scared to tell my mom.
she's not mean, but i know she's going to be a bitch about it & be like "oh whatever erin. you just don't want to go to school.." & 
blah blah blah.. apart of me can't wait for school  & apart of me doesn't even want to go because there's going to be so many kids.
& i don't know what to do. i zone out when im around a really big crowd & i always think everyone's juging me. i don't know. maybe i get it from weed, cuz i do smoke a lot of it, but lately it seems to be getting worst. & maybe its not that big of a deal. but helppp? plz.










erin.xo

Sorry guys I know I should probably use a cut for this for possible triggers but I forget how right now.

Tonight my friend H called me.  She has been my best friend for years and years and earlier this year I spent massive amounts of time with her and her mom while her mom was dying of kidney cancer that I had spread to nearly everywhere in her body.  It was so hard to watch but at the time, I handled the situation with strength that I didn't know that I had... I think mainly b/c I was watching my friend breaking down and I knew that she needed some kind of strength in her life.  Her mom passed away at the very end of Feb... I spent over 12 hours the day that she died in the hospital with H and her family, mostly by her mom's bedside.  Her mom passed away 20 minutes after we all left that night.  I STILL have thoughts about her mom, how she suffered, how she wasn't taken care of properly by the doctors... thoughts of the fact that she died alone, ect.  I mean, it has been haunting me to some extent since her passing.  The night that she died, I awoke from my sleep after having a dream of her mom, telling me thank you for spending the time that I did with her on this earth.  I know some people believe that the dead visiting them and giving them a message after death is a real thing... I am not sure, but to some extent, that memory gives peace.

Fast forward to tonight, my friend H calls me and tells me that her Aunt B has had a mass discovered in her lungs.  Later today they should have an idea if it is lung cancer or not. Aunt B is a heavy smoker and has been for years, she was diagnosed with the start of emphysema several years ago but that did not deter her smoking.   As soon as she tells me this, my heart starts beating so freaking hard after several days of being almost completely anxiety free.  Then I start shaking, almost uncontrollably.  I stayed on the phone with H for almost an hour but most of that time I felt like I was going to lose it.  I started  panicking at the thought of more illness, more death.  I am extremely close to H's family and have been my whole life, including the Aunt B.  This is very much like my own family going through this.  I ended up pouring myself some drinks, just to avoid having an anxiety/panic attack about it all.

I have had too much experience with death and illness in my 24 years.  I feel like i can't deal with anymore.  And the smoking related illness hit so close to home... b/c I think I mentioned in another post, but I've been smoking again and all I can think is complete panic situations of "omg I am going to get cancer and die... or have a heart attack, or stroke b/c I smoke".  At this point I feel totally done with smoking w/o looking back... smoking again has been making me feel like utter shit anyways and magnifies my anxiety 10 fold.   It is just time to put old addictions behind me, especially with recent developments. 

This whole death and illness thing, I don't know if I can deal with it anymore.  I hope so much that the tests come back with something positive for Aunt B... but it really doesn't look good.  I don't know how to deal with my emotions about it. 

It's been about a year since I experienced what I tend to refer to as "a complete mental breakdown." The resulting anxiety disorder is currently under control. Lately I've been feeling better than ever.

Unfortunately, I'm having trouble this week.

Speaking of animals eating food.

One time my family left the room at their house and Dakota, my brother's white German Shepard hoped up on the kitchen counter and ate all of this big tub of spegetti and he was not caught but when they came back all their food was gone and he had a sheepish look like he knew what he had done was wrong.

My partner's cat, Greaves ate his dinner.

Wayne was so upset he would not have anything to do with the cat for awhile and the cat grabs his arm to go outside and Wayne squirts him with some water but Greaves is persistent about going outside although his punishment was and he knew it was having to stay in for some time like putting a toddler in a corner only this one won't stop talking about it. Greaves talks alot, bitching and complaining when prevented from going outdoors.

Gosh,
It's not even fall and I am dreading the upcoming winter season.
My anxiety has been a bit worse lately and it's really triggered my emetophobia.

So I thought I would make a list of my artillery against stomach ailments of all kinds to share with you all


~Soap and hot water!
~hand sanitizer
~probiotics
~digestive enzymes
~ginger (fresh for tea)
~mint
~rooibis tea
~wellness tablets ( a combination of immune stimulating herbs in a pill)
~dramamine
~compazine
~promethezine
~chai tea ( did you know that black pepper kernels and cinnamon both have anti emet properties!)
~iced water
~rubbing alcohol ( something about the smell helps kill nausea for me
~arsenicum album the homeopathic remedy

When I feel s* and nervous I try a combo of these things and do the following to distract myself

~clean my house! nothing helps like moving around and focusing elsewhere
~crossword puzzles
~a drive (I've gone out driving as late as 4:00 am and watched the sun come up
~pac man
~ a good book
~knitting
~ a movie

Usually I move from thing to thing- as soon as a wave hits I get up and do something else. I probably seem like a crazy person but it helps to keep moving and doing something. This icon perfectly describes how I feel inside when I am n*
=/

I don't know if I'm just being hormonal or what. Usually I'm concerned about scaring the guys off, but lately, holy crap. I AM NOT LOOKING FOR A QUICK LAY. I don't need help finding sex. I can do that myself. How the hell do you get it across their thick skulls? Cuz saying it plainly doesn't work. If everyone just always would say what they meant, then I wouldn't have this problem. You fellas on here, what goes through your mind when a chick tells you she's not down with getting frisky? Hello brick wall. This is just getting me even more discouraged. I'm so angry/frustrated right now, I can't even think of what to say. I know as soon as I post, I'll think of a thousand more things to rant about.
I'm frustrated (in a purely emotional sense), lonely (for companionship), and feel like I'm relapsing.

:(

I REALLY WANT THE LOGO CHANNEL! I spent the day between calls viewing what they were showing (and what it was about) in the channel line up on DTV's site.

It really bites hard that I could have all of Directv's programming but cannot have it at my apartment. They actually lied to me about it too to get me to move in!

I would be spoiled rotten by LOGO if I could have a satellite here. I'm thinking about getting it through AT&T but I don't know if they carry it.

Your result for The Perception Personality Image Test...

NBPC - The Daydreamer

Take The Perception Personality Image Test at HelloQuizzy

An acronym we made up back in highschool brings tears to my eyes.

Thank you. ♥

I'm glad you still remember.

Things I need to do:

- wash dishes

- clean the toilet

- eat the watermelon in my fridge

I know I've been all negative lately, but I got a great package from my sister today, so that cheered me up a bit. Lots of stuff I wasn't expecting. Yay.

And, Elaine bought me lunch. <3

I don't want a door mat or a lap dog. I just want someone who will push back when need be. Where, oh where, are you??

My dear cutshort, I've been trying to find my style for the past two weeks and still haven't found anything. I want something on the edgy side but also something easy to maintain. I have alburn hair and an oval face shape. I would love to look more mature since this is my last year of high school. Just putting layers in my hair is borning. Alot of people have told me to go short but I just don't feel like I can pull it off.








( Check it out! )

( Cheak it out! )


{The 4th picture is 2 cuts ago, lol.}




Pitctures are always <3

Hi, everyone. Anybody writes lyrics for songs? I have a little such. And i'm looking somebody who can write for completed melodies. It's unpaid teamwork for the beginning. Details by email.

I want some!



{From Amazon: "*Japanese lesson: 'Kinoko' means mushroom in Japanese, 'yama' means mountain"}

When you get in the abandoned camp any special feeling is created.

( +34 )

Hey guys. I'm getting sick of my short bob and am considering cutting my hair into a pixie.
Could I rock it?

( Me now )

I don't much alot about alot of things but I know alot about death and what it is to die, and I know alot about Spiritualism which is my "religion" which fits my interpretation of the afterlife. I live in a state of consciousness that is a netherworld of networks of energy. My function is mostly as a guardian of the beehive called humans. My soul is not human but angelic and will return to that form again.

One thing I worry about it flying away too fast because I have some very frightening, bumpy take offs that scare the hell out of me gaining control of my center spirit. It will go away, it's physically oriented since after my time here I will accustomed to not having a take off out of a body, it will just be becoming a part of one grand astral body. There will no longer be the etheral cord tying me to my body.

It will be free at last! To travel everywhere! First a trip to Europe before I go into the Light, that is if I don't get such a trip before I die, I will after death for certain, if I don't. Then it is all star cities from there on out. However, I think I will do drugs (without consequence!) for a few years before I start moving up some levels. Just have to see how it goes. :)

Every night I go to sleep and astral travel in heaven and wake up in hell. What to do?

I handle major emergencies (like my recent financial situation and nervous breakdown) usually much better than I do little problems. As focused as I try to be, I cannot focus on one thing long enough to be organized and I so longed to be. I simply have no long attention span unless you play a Depeche Mode song and then I meditate and slow things down. I can really meditate to Depeche Mode. And alot of other music. But that does not mean I won't leave my check book! The thing is I believed that obsessive compulsive disorder was related to this problem because my obsessive compulsive behavior would revolve around my thinking I was leaving something somewhere because my attention span would shift so dramatically.

This buildibg is located in one of the Kiev parks. It is sealed and obviously wasn't entered for at least several years.